Here’s the thing about recovery.. you don’t just wave a magic wand and become cured of all your problems. Recovery takes time and for the rest of your life you will be in “recovery”.
We may not act on the things in our lives that once weighted us down and we might be at our highest high. Our lives might have taken an amazing direction and we may feel we are cured from every bad thing that has ever entered our lives. Our mental illnesses don’t leave us, but those amazing happy feelings don’t have to end because our disorders are lurking in the background.
I have struggled with eating disorders, cutting, self-harm/hate, depression and suicide. My mind has taken me to places I didn’t even think existed. I have been through more in the last 18 years of my life than a person should ever have to experience. I have been through more highs and lows than I could count. I have stayed strong and away from the darkness that lures me in. I have also been pulled back into the very thing that destroys me psychically and mentally.
I blamed myself for years over the things I have been through. Like many, I asked the infamous question, “What is wrong with me?” The truth is, nothing. Every person in this world has problems they will encounter. Everyone is human and everyone experiences pain. I blamed many things that have happened to me on others. In some ways, I should have. In others, I shouldn’t have. One thing I realized I did was I blamed myself for the things that are happening to me now or over the past few years because of my disorders. I have to deal with issues I didn’t have to before because of what I did to myself, but I can’t keep blaming myself. I can’t keep blaming others. Yes, people make mistakes. I make mistakes but we can’t spend our whole lives blaming people. All we are doing is tossing around unresolved issues. We can never attempt to recover if we can’t forgive and let go of the things that caused us to get to that state of mind in the first place.
Over the past couple of months, I have been having a hard time dealing with life. I could feel my mind pulling me back into old habits. When you deal with a mental illness and get to a better place, you find out when life gets hard again, that old habits are truly hard to break. The mind is a powerful thing. We often forget to take care of ourselves, never mind the one thing that keeps us functioning everyday.
This is the truth about recovery… You are always learning and growing. Every day you are building a better you. You set new goals in hopes of building a brighter future. You make mistakes and that’s okay. How else would you learn from them? I sometimes give myself a lot of pressure being in the field I am in. Nothing makes me happier then helping people. The problem is I forget to help myself first.
I do my best to be there for everyone, no matter who they are. I sometimes take on more then I can handle. I don’t know it at the time, but when life starts to speed up and I am standing frozen at the beginning, I know I have lost the control of life. I won’t be much help to people if my life is falling apart in effort to saves others. At some point, I have to put down the “attempting to save everyone else’s life while you are falling apart” card and save the one person I need to the most.. myself.
One of the hardest things in life is putting aside the one thing you love more than anything, to help yourself. I believe I was put on this earth to help people. In order to do so, I need to help myself first.
Think about what needs to change in your life in order for you to be happy/ live out your dream/ make you a better version of yourself? Okay, when you have it, then think about how you are going to accomplish that goal. Lastly, do it.