Something everyone strives for whether we recognize it or not. We all want to feel loved and completely accepted for who we are. We spend so much time trying to change who we are in order to please the others around us. In doing so, we could end up becoming someone else and losing ourselves all together. We become a figure of other people’s thoughts and perceptions. Slowly, the pieces of you that set you apart start to blend in with society’s background. You become molded into a lesser version of yourself; well what still exists. Our thoughts become captive inside our own minds as strangers opinions take over. We lose our sense of self and become empty from losing our freedom. We let others control how we live our lives and that in itself makes us trapped within.
People expect us to be perfect and flawless, although they are filled with both factors. Sometimes it feels like everyone is watching me like a movie, waiting for something to go wrong. It is like my life is being played on the big screen and everyone has an opinion. They want to point out the flaws and capture the moments caused by embarrassment and hurt. They laugh at your expense and walk away at the end without having to deal with the repercussions of your life decisions. People enjoy skipping the good parts and going straight to the drama. The problem is, movies you can watch and walk away from. This is real life and every decision you make effects the rest of your life and those people who judge you won’t be affected.
I’ve always done my best to do the right thing but never for myself; for others. There isn’t one time where I just thought about myself only when making a decision. Sometimes it’s hard to make the right decisions, especially when your making it based on what others will think. There is so much pressure being put on mankind whether it’s your parents, friends, family, strangers… Pressure to be who everyone wants you to be exists and is a toxic power that controls us everyday.
People set unrealistic goals and expectations for others. We already do that on our own, having people telling us over and over again doesn’t help. Sometimes people expect us to be perfect and neglect to consider how we might feel. They don’t think about how what they are doing might affect us or harm us in anyway. We are all human and opinions hurt, even if they weren’t meant to.
We all have a journey to go on and we all have different ways of getting there. We are given a certain amount of paths and it’s up to us to choose which one we are willing to take. What might be good for you, might not be good for someone else. We all have lessons we need to learn but we need to do it our way; not someone else’s. Sometimes people try to “save” you from their past mistakes or give you advice based on their past experiences, which is fine to help in making your decisions but ultimately the decision should be yours.
For most of my life I have centered my life choices around what my family thought of me. I would do whatever I thought they would approve of because I didn’t feel worthy enough or good enough to own the rights to my own voice. I lost myself in so many ways and have been working for the past 5 years to regain back my role in this world and my voice.
Something I have a hard time doing is staying open with myself and others. When we keep secrets, it is usually because we are embarrassed, ashamed, scared, etc… We hide behind our secrets because we don’t feel secure enough in ourselves to share with the world and embrace the role we wish we could. Sometimes we don’t even trust ourselves with our own thoughts which can be a lonely place.
I’ve been around insecurity and trust issues for most of my life. I have had my fair share of issues and still work hard everyday to continue to stay on track. I have my set backs like everyone else but I still have breakdowns and bad days I can’t bring myself out of. What scares me personally about sharing information about myself is the judgment I may receive from the people I love the most. To become vulnerable and surrender yourself to someone about your most interpersonal thoughts is one of the hardest things for me to do. I’ve put my faith and trust into the wrong hands of many people in my life and to know your secrets are out there and at any moment they can be revealed is one hell of a feeling. To feel scared to share with people you call your best friends or family is a hard thought for me to come to terms with.
I’ve been judged by the very people I’ve called my best friends and the people I called family. Too put yourself out there, feeling mentally exposed, is one of the most vulnerable scariest feelings you will ever experience in this world. To have to realize some of the people in your life are judging you is harder then facing strangers. If the closest people to you can judge you without a second thought, imagine what the world has to say?
I remember when I was in high school and still silent about my issues, I was invited to my friends house for a birthday party. By the end of the night, I ended up upstairs surrounded by people who were once my close friends and some who were strangers. I don’t know how but we ended up being surrounded by candles and very little light. We got into a very deep conversations and for some reason I had this impulsive need to share somethings about myself. As I opened up about my self-image issues, the rest of the people started sharing their insecurities and being honest with one another. I remember looking around being overwhelmed with love in my heart with the amount of judgement free eyes I looked into that night. We were all here for each other and no one was being judged that day. I remember feeling for the first time in years, at peace with a part of who I am and that, right there, is one hell of a feeling.
This is what it all comes down to: in order to be okay with others opinions on who we are, we must be okay with ourselves first. This was just told to me by a good friend of mine who has reminded me of this simple yet very hard concept. If we truly accepted ourselves for who we are, then what others think shouldn’t matter because we like who we are and that is what matters. We aren’t perfect and we are going to make a lot of mistakes in this life, but it’s our lives; no one else’s. Remember that. You are the one who has to live this life until the end, they have their own and with it, their own mistakes and paths to choose. We could lose ourselves in the words, thoughts, opinions and judgments of others or we could listen, take from their words and make them our own version. You deserve to be exactly who you are because who you are is more than enough.