Have you ever had a dream that was so realistic, so honest. A dream that reflects your every thought, emotion, fear & feeling. Your fears come to life and ideas fade in and out of your mind as quick a lightening. You create a million scenarios of what could go wrong, what you fear the most and you are forced to retrieve everything you have hidden away from the rest of the world. You can no longer ignore your inner thoughts because you are in the war zone of your mind. Nothing is sacred anymore for this is the one place you can’t control.
Imagine what would happen if you couldn’t wake up. What would happen, if you kept reliving every bad memory or thought you ever had every day, every hour, every minute. To have to constantly walk through this dream being pulled down by the things you fear the most. Your inner demons grab a hold of your soul and drag you through your nightmares day after day. You try to wake up but your eyes are sewn shut. You can’t wake up because you aren’t sleeping. You are wide awake and your nightmare has become a reality.
I came across this saying,”We repeat what we don’t repair.” When I read this, I felt like I had just had an amazing break through. I have finally come to terms with the fact that in order for me to continue a healthy recovery, I need to get help. I have become more open since starting this journey. I have outlets such as writing and photography, but they could only bandage the damage so much. I find myself in a tough situation over the past few months and admitting you are scared and feel yourself slipping again, is one of the hardest things to say.
I just feel so helpless. I know how hard I’ve worked over the past four years but I worked hard on stopping my bad habits. I didn’t work on fixing my issues and the reasons I started those habits in the first place. Recovery doesn’t have a day off and you need to work at it every day for the rest of your life. In order to be successful in all aspects of your life, you need to be content within your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual states of mind. I could physically be okay but mentally there is a war going on in my mind.
I have come to the point where I am surrendering myself to God’s plan because I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I seem to always have it together but I’m just as broken and lost as the next person. I am unmotivated and for the first time in 4 years, I feel myself slipping back into my old ways. I find myself having a harder time every day getting over “a bad day.” I don’t feel like I am excited about the things in my life anymore. I don’t feel like I am content with my choices in my life or career. Sometimes you need to look inside and say,” I need help and I’m going to ask for it.”
I am not okay and what is important is that I am able to recognize it before things could potentially get worse. Four years ago, I wouldn’t even be able to admit to myself that I needed help. Let alone, a bunch of strangers on the internet. Being honest is scary because people know your thoughts. They know what you are hiding behind your smile. Although it could be a vulnerable place, strength comes from my weaknesses and fears.
I find strength in hearing stories just like mine because you realize you are not alone. There are so many people in this world who feel the very same way as I do. Maybe sharing parts of my story will inspire someone or maybe someone will find comfort in knowing they aren’t alone. Something I could never accept was help. I pushed away everyone in my life and felt if I asked for help, I would be considered weak and unable to handle things on my own. Once again, strength is found within asking for help. It takes a strong person to surrender and accept they need help.
My best advice would be to:
1.) Open up & tell someone
2.) Find the best solution for your situation
3.) Get help
Life will always continue whether you have problems or not. Nothing slows down in life but we do have control over what we decide to do about fixing our current situations. We have the power to gain our lives back and fight for the lives we all deserve to have. Don’t be afraid to admit you can’t do it on your own. Being able to do so, makes you an even stronger person. It takes courage to admit you need help, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Stay strong and fight every day to regain your life back. Fight for yourself because we all deserve to live our lives in freedom.