As I come back to reality, I realized I have been sitting in the same spot for the past twenty minutes staring at my bedroom wall. I space out near windows even more often. I am what you call a “deep thinker” and always seem to be in my head deep inside my thoughts. This is just one of those characteristics that embody who I am. Over the past few months, something inside of me is changing and undergoing construction.
My heart is being revived along with my brain. My way of thinking is changing and I am becoming a different version of myself. I always found that interesting, how at any time we could change anything about ourselves and still be who we are. I used to think when someone changed it meant they were becoming someone different and who they were would be gone forever. I was wrong because as we grow up, we change. The person we were a few years ago, may be very different then the person we are today but they are still inside of us, underneath the rest of our layers.
I am slowly coming to terms with who I am and every day I learn something new about myself. I have personally transformed about four times now and the person I am today makes five. I am the most content I have ever been in the short 23 years I have lived on this earth. I spend more time smiling and laughing then being depressed and worrying about all the bad in my life. I am choosing to see more positivity through my eyes, heart and soul. I am starting to find the good in every situation and figure out how to except what I cannot change.
I am proud of myself.
Wow, that is something I never thought I would be able to say, let alone feel. I am being honest and opening up to the world and letting the universe take control. I have become vulnerable, honest, scared and free. I am sick of feeling embarrassed about my past or who I am. This is my life and I have let everything and everyone decide how I would live it instead of listening to the one person who knows me better than anyone else, me.
When I was fifteen, I went to the mall with my dad and sister. My first semi was coming up and I was looking through all of the dresses and tears filled my eyes every time I tried one on. Nothing fit right or looked right and in the eyes of someone with an eating disorder, I saw nothing but ugliness when I looked at myself in the mirror. I went over to the spandex section and tried on over 23 pieces. Each one covering another piece of ugly that seemed to cling to my body. When I was done, I wanted to purchase over four pieces. It took four pieces of spandex to make me feel like I was even the tiniest bit acceptable to wear a dress to semi.
The problem was I listened to everyone but myself. I listened to the way the ones closest to me and strangers thought about others. I grew up being convinced that if you are over a certain weight or “different” then what the world sees as perfect, then you are going to be trying very hard to just fit into this world. I am always being told to think before I speak about the issues regarding who I am and how I feel. I am at a point in my life where I don’t care anymore. I may not have my life figured out but I know how I feel. Society has their opinion; I am choosing not to listen.
I am happy, really truly happy for the first time in a long time. I am choosing to be who I am and if that makes some people mad then so be it. I cannot please everyone and I cannot make everyone happy. I know because I have tried to complete this task for years. For those of you who have families and friends who may not fully understand who you are, do your best to help guide them through your journey. I have had loved ones hate my tattoos or my hair color but eventually they accepted it and at the end of the day they still love me.
At the end of the day I am still ME. I may be changing the way I think, how I look, how I act and what I believe in but that is called maturing. You are not going to think and act the same way you did when you were 12 compared to 30. People grow up and mature which is what I am doing. I am being who I am and starting to express that regardless of what others think. I am refusing to let myself get lost into the darkness of other people’s opinions; not again.
I was having a bad day a few weeks ago and the way I turned it around was by writing something on my mirror. I wrote I AM ENOUGH in big black lettering. Why? Because 1.) I am enough. Period. 2.) I look into the mirror every single day and that is the one place that can easily capture very insecurity and flaw you obtain. By writing those three simple words, I set those imperfections free. I see that I am enough for this world, for my friends and family and most importantly, myself. I don’t need verification because I have it from myself and that’s enough.
We live in a society where people are afraid to be who they are and in return become voiceless in a very loud world filled with many voices and opinions. When you are able to stand on your own, voice your opinion and be who you are, you are seen as a threat. Insecure and unhappy people like to feed off of the happiness and goodness of others. They seek to destroy what they can’t obtain within themselves. Do not let them blow out the fire inside of you. Find your inner happiness and let it shine bright engulfing the darkness on its way out.