Well, this is a blog I never thought I would be writing about but here it goes. To sum it up, I’ve been on this earth for 23 years and have finally discovered something about myself that makes me feel whole for the first time in my life. Growing up, I always blamed my mental disorders, friends, family, strangers, myself for the bad in my life but in reality it wasn’t any of those answers. I was fighting within myself. Fighting to discover who I was and being able to do so confidently.
I always knew something was different when I was a kid. I knew I was raised in a society where girls liked boys and vice versa but I never really understood it. I used to look up to girl celebrities and I remember liking one in a different way, a stronger way than everyone else. Fast forward a few years, I felt the same way with someone I worked with. They were older than me so I thought it was an admiration thing. Wrong. A little later on, I talked to my friend about love and ended up saying, “I believe you can fall in love with anyone”. First time thinking that but it was the way I felt. Three years ago, I asked my friend about it but thought it was normal feelings everyone else felt. Fast forward to now, finally letting myself accept who I am, I know those were crushes. I now understand what’s it like to like someone regardless of their sex.
When I developed this current crush, I realized that this is the first time I’ve allowed myself to genuinely like someone. For years, I forced myself to date people because my friends had boyfriends and I wanted to be included. The truth was I never felt anything with them. I developed a crush on someone after coming across their picture one day. My heart dropped down to my chest, nerves fill my body when I think about her or have to be in the same room as her, a smile is always plastered to my face when I talk to her and I can’t seem to get her off my mind. This is the first time I developed a crush on someone naturally and they just so happen to be a girl.
I’m not gonna say I was happy at first when I came to the realization. I wasn’t because of my religion, scared of people accepting me and having to accept myself. I had to decide what was more important to me and in the end I chose being true to who I was and my happiness. I am still me at the end of the day. Loving the same sex shouldn’t change the way people feel about you or how people view you. I am just a human loving another human. There is nothing but beauty attached to that concept.
When I told people, I had different reactions for each person. Some I texted, some I cried and some I told to their faces. I was filled with nerves and scared out of my mind. I shouldn’t have been. I should have been able to bring a girl or guy home and not have to “warn” anyone ahead of time. I didn’t “warn” anyone when I brought a boyfriend home did I? No, so why should I have to if I bring a girl home? I shouldn’t.
October of 2016, I finally gained back my life and released the secrets that controlled me. I slowly told people and in doing so braced myself for what changes might happen. I remember thinking, “If I can accept who I am, they should be able to as well”. I wanted my friends and families approval but I cared about what I wanted more for the first time in my life. I am very fortunate to have been blessed with an amazing support system within my family and friends. Regardless if people agree with it or not, it’s your life. There shouldn’t be a reason for someone to stop being a part of someone’s life because of who they decide to be in love with. Love is love and everyone is entitled to love whoever they want.
I don’t want the gender I choose to date to define who I am as a person. It shouldn’t but sometimes it does. I am who I am and nothing has changed. The only thing that has is for the first time I am being exactly who I am and happier than I’ve ever been. I started to embrace who I am and let myself feel however I needed to. My feelings are valid and I accept who I am. That’s all that matters. Be who you are and know you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Do what makes you happy and be true to your authentic self.